lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
