i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
