This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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