More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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