Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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