Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
