why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
