there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I have peed in a lot of sinks
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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