My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
