We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
