My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
