He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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