Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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