im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
