Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
