i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
