She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
