Define "chronic" masturbator.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
