I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
