I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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