I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
