i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
