Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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