Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
