I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
