Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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