My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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