I wish I could punch you in the face.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
