There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
