So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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