So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
