Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
