I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
