You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I wish there were birth control emojis
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
