youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
