Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
