My friends, they love my intelligence
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
