peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
