Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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