I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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