nut hugger
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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