I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
