i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
