Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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