WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
