He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
