Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
