pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
