Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
