you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
